Major Tom, this is Ground Control. Stop singing and return to base immediately.

Over the last six weeks or so, Jim and I have received a decent amount of correspondence from our rapid teenage girl fanbase (note to the authorities: all emails with a picture are deleted immediately so there is no reason to look at all the other porn on our computers on one of your fishing expeditions) asking us what is up with the lack of updates to the site. For instance, Kara, 14 from Drexel Hill, wrote the following:

Hey guyz? Whtzup?!?! When willz u2 rite a new post? W/B/S. Kara

Well Kara, we do appreciate your concern, but sometimes other aspects of our lives receive more priority than this website. I can't speak for Jim, but I have been so caught up in the battle to determine Zimbabwe's next President that I have pretty much been ignoring sports completely. But I do think I can take a quick break from going over the latest poll data from Masvingo to answer a few questions about the Phillies. First though, I must cease laughing at "heady" David Eckstein getting picked off first in the bottom of the ninth in a tie game with no outs and Alex Rios about to get on base with a walk.

Is Ryan Howard going to turn it around or will he break his own strike out record?

Yes and yes. Howard's current BABIP is .259, which is significantly less than his three year average of .346 from '05-'07. Unless managers have figured out exactly where to play all seven guys in the field when Howard is at bat, the easiest explanation to the drop in BABIP is simply luck. For whatever reason, when Howard puts the ball in play, it is not finding the holes that it did the past three seasons. This number will go up or I'm not the next coach of the Chicago Bulls. His lack of walks is still concerning to me (Howard has two eight game streaks without taking a walk, he had zero such streaks in '07), I think he will start getting more hits in the next few months.

As far as the strikeouts go, Ryan Howard is always going to swing and miss at a lot of baseballs. If he gets ten at bats in a game, which I am predicting will happen August 29 at Wrigley and the Phils will win 32-28, Howard will strike out three times. The strike outs are the necessary evil that come with his insane power. People who suggest that he should choke up or just try to make contact probably need to go reassure their son that even if he isn't the best player on the team, he is still loved, because I'm sure he has his doubts.

Are there any players out there that the Phillies could trade for?

Probably, but it is still very early. I think a big prize will be Brian Fuentes of the Rockies, who is having another great year in that awful ballpark (ERA+ of 184). He only makes $5 million this year and will be a free agent at the end of this season. He would be a great addition to the back of the Phillies bullpen, but I don't know if the Rockies would be willing to take back a lot of guys in A ball because that is all the Phillies can afford to trade.

What can save the Mets season?

Hopefully nothing. Their current situation is much too entertaining for it to stop.

If the season ended on June 9, would Chase Utley be the MVP?

No. But if the baseball season ended on June 9, I think there would be much more important topics to talk about. Like, who is going to take my dollar coins in return for hot dogs later this summer?

Has Pedro Feliz won you over yet?

I am doing my best to ignore how awful he is as a hitter and just focus on the stability that he adds in the field. He does have a rocket for an arm and makes most of the plays he has to. But he is going to end the season with an OPS+ around 80-85 and hopefully the human out machine doesn't hurt them in the playoffs.

Hungry?

Yes. Meeting over.

Eagles Post-Draft Analysis

Why bother with traditional analysis? As has been done since time immemorial, here are the BSB 92.3% accurate predictions for the newest Eagles'-

Trevor Laws- will be in the starting DT rotation this year. Will have a solid, but unspectacular, career of about 10 seasons. Will die in 2049 of a massive heart attack brought on by over consumption of Neat, a future near-meat food substance.

DeSean Jackson- will be returning kicks from day 1. Will be a decent No. 3 WR by day 1,671, hopefully. Dies in 2087 as a result of 'Bot Rot when his artificially intelligent robotic replacement wrist becomes deranged and forces DeSean to choke himself to death.

Bryan Smith- spends 2 years buried on the DE depth chart, gets 2 career sacks. Dies in 2010 of loneliness. And DragonAIDS (coming August 2010).

Michael McGlynn- starting RG in 2 years, as Shawn Andrews will be at RT by then. Lasts 8 years in the NFL. Dies in 2039 in the Bottled Water Wars.

Quintin Demps- career special teamer and backup safety, but a decent one. Bounces around the NFL for 9 seasons. Dies in 2056 by the hand of his Sexbot, which suffers an S&M chip failure in its safe word matrix.

Jack Ikegwuonu- never plays a down. Ends up in the Arena League. Shot dead in 2018 attempting a home invasion to steal an XBox360, not realizing he totally could have gotten a newer, more powerful XBox660 from the unarmed fella next door.

Michael Gibson- bounces around the league for a few years as a 3rd/4th Guard. Strangely, he is IMMORTAL.

Joe Mays- never plays a down. Come on, he's an ILB and runs a 4.9 40. Dies in 2029 when he tries to run and is so impossibly slow he violates the laws of physics and causes a time-space paradox to occur which blinks him out of existence.

Andrew Studebaker- adds a few pounds, keeps his speed, becomes a decent situational pass rusher. Has a good career cut short by his untimely death in 2013 due to the Hot Pockets Fever epidemic.

King Dunlap- Despite his wonderful Wonderlic score and what surely must be a massive penis, he doesn't even make the team. Dies peacefully in 2040 at home in his giant bed, calling out for Rosebud, a strain of marijuana which unfortunately in 2040 is extinct.

The Only NFL Draft Preview You Need If You Are A Fan of the Philadelphia Friggin Eagles

Here are three interesting facts that very few people know about me:

• My lucky number is a fraction (5/12!!!)
• Though when people discuss scenes from the movie I always nod my head in agreeance, I've never seen Braveheart
• I am an Expert Prognosticator when it comes to the NFL Draft.

Without further ado, behold my 2008 NFL Eagles Draft Preview (for the first three rounds)

Round 1 (Pick 19)
Best Case: Because of rumors of addiction to JuJubes and video games, Glenn Dorsey takes part in a monumental draft slide and is available at Pick 19. After a lot of thought (and Tastykakes), Andy Reid rolls the dice and selects Dorsey. Reid tries to get Dorsey on the phone to congratulate him, but Dorsey is too busy creating a Mii of himself with an Eagles jersey to import into Madden '08.
Worst Case: After wasting their first pick in last year's draft on Kevin Kolb, the Eagles decide that they would like to have a real competition for the backup quarterback position and select Joe Flacco, the QB from U of Delaware. Jay Fielder declines to comment on the pick.
Most Likely Case: Aqib Talib, the corner back from Kansas. The over/under on the time it takes someone to call WIP with the question, "Why did we just pick a terrorist instead of ...." is 7 minutes and 24 seconds after the pick is announced.

Round 2 (Pick 49)
Best Case: After the first round, it becomes much harder to project the draft picks, mainly because of trades and the fact that I haven't heard of any of the guys that are still available. So I think the best case scenario is that they trade this pick and Lito Sheppard to move up in the draft to take someone I've heard of. Like James Hardy.
Worst Case: In an attempt to draft more local players to appease the drunk fans, Reid selects Ray Rice, RB from Rutgers. With Westbrook and Buckhalter already in at the first two spots of the depth chart, Rice will most likely sit most of the season or be converted to a middle linebacker. Great value pick.
Most Likely Case: Duane Brown, offensive tackle from Virgina Tech. Two reasons: Andy Reid loves sitting next to offensive linemen at press conferences to make himself look thinner and 04/16/07 - Never Forget.

Round 3 (Pick 80)
Best Case: This is where the Eagles scouting pays off. With the 80th pick, the Eagles select Raymond Alafoutise, a 6'7 265 pound physical specimen from Harare, Zimbabwe. Though he has never played American Football in his life, Alafoutise can run a 4.2 40 yard dash (in his bare feet), can bench 225 pounds 54 times (ableit 225 pounds in artillery shells), can kick a ball (soccer) over 85 yards. It was Reid's wife who discover Alafoutise from a Mormon Mission brochure on Zimbabwe. It is projected that Alafoutise will play both offense and defense, but will not be given a position. The Eagles staff will just point at players and expect Alafoutise to destroy them.
Worst Case: After losing a golf bet to John Chaney, Reid is forced to pay up and selects Gary Stockman, WR from Temple. Though he has no official stats from his playing days at Temple, Stockman's unique stature (5'6 160 pounds) makes him the smallest non-kicker in the NFL. This could be another Vince Papale story in the making. Or not.
Most Likely Case: Andre Caldwell, wide receiver from Florida. Because Florida receivers have panned out so well in the NFL.

That is it. You are welcome.

Hey, how 'bout them Flyers?

We've been getting a lot of mail, or so I will have you pretend to believe, about our lack of coverage of the Flyers and the playoffs excitement surrounding them. First of all, we specifically apologize to the Flyers in the blog's heading for our lack of coverage of them. IS THAT NOT ENOUGH? For further explanations of why we're not giving them a lot of attention, lookie here-

1. Lack of hockey knowledge. Between Mark and I, we can name a total of about 12 NHL players and the team they play for. This includes Flyers. And the reason we have so little knowledge is...

2. Lack of hockey interest. This was not always the case. Growing up in the suburbs of Philly, we were bombarded daily with Flyers chat and kept up with their goings on. But these days, with Mark living in the hockey dead zone of Chicago and me downtown in Philly where hockey is a distinct No. 4 of the major sports (and soon to be No. 5 when soccer comes), the other 3 sports just get much more of our tireless devotion to grown men playing games for outrageous sums of money.

2A. The Lockout. This was what killed hockey for me. I was already drifting away from it, and then the whole 2004-2005 season was cancelled. When the NHL came back, I realized I hadn't missed hockey all that much, especially since I'd filled the time with a home locksmithing course from ICS. Thank you, Sally Struthers.

3. Coatsey's Corner. Just kidding. Or am I? Actually, the hockey nicknaming convention of just adding a "y" to the end of everyone's last name (or a shortened version of it) is pretty annoying. Mosquito swarms at a BBQ annoying.

I still enjoy going to see live hockey a great deal. And hey, we're enjoying watching the Flyers playoff games and looking at other teams playoff rosters and saying "He's still in the league?" and "Holy shit, I didn't know he was on the Sharks."

Maybe we're bad fans for jumping on the bandwagon at playoff time, but as I always say, it's better to be on the bandwagon than under its wheels having your internal organs crushed into paste.

Let's Look At the Positives

Instead of messing with the Sixers karma, I choose instead to look at the positives of the 2008 Philadelphia Phillies. It is much easier to harp on the negative (which you can find at www.pleasegoaway.farfaraway.ericbruntlett.com) so instead I would like to look at the positive side of the first three weeks of the Phillies' season.

Positive Point #1 - Chase Utley is Superhuman
In a summer that is going to be dominated by Iron Man, Batman, and the Hulk, it is only appropriate that Chase Utley reveal himself as Planet Earth's first real superhero. So far this year, Utley leads the NL in Home Runs, Slugging, OPS, Total Bases, High Fives, Extra Base Hits, Fastest Rope Climb, Batting Wins, At-Bats per Home Runs, and Overall Swellness. Once Chipper Jones does his first stint on the DL (over/under May 11 (Reminder that is Mother's Day (Just wanted to throw in another set of parentheses))), Utley will be the clear cut favorite to win the MVP. At that point, the NL may have to institute a new rule that bans any Phillie from winning the award for the next five years until their core players are out of their peak.

Positive Point #2 - Pat Burrell is the White Jesus
If you look back far enough on the archives here, you will find a post where I advocated getting rid of Burrell because his power had all but disappeared. What you did not know was that I was using reverse psychology, figuring that if I joined the bandwagon of idiots who envied Burrell because of his salary and lifestyle, then Burrell would become a great hitter. And you know what? It gosh darn worked. I'm not sure why Paul Hagen or Jayson Stark haven't called me up with an interview request, but it probably has something to do with the fact that the Philadelphia area isn't ready for this kind of heady story. Or they just don't have my phone number.

Positive Point #3 - The Phillies Bullpen is Unhittable
This is more Jim's point than mine (as well as my imaginary internet friend "airborne"), but I will re-iterate it (or would I just be iterating it since Jim has not made it here?): The Phillies bullpen has been brilliant.

• Brad Lidge: 8.0 IP, 0.00 ERA, 1.25 WHIP, 8 Ks
• JC Romero: 9.2 IP, 0.00 ERA, 1.24 WHIP, 10 Ks
• Rudy Seanez: 7.0 IP, 0.00 ERA, 1.00 WHIP (this will not last if his K:BB ratio stays at 1:2.33)
• Chad "The Real Real Deal" Durbin: 14.0 IP, 0.64 ERA, 1.14 WHIP

These guys have pitched over four total games combined and given up one run. We call that it in the baseball business "good". So while Kyle Kendrick re-negotiates his deal with Satan, these guys are keeping the Phillies in games.

Positive Point #4 - Charlie Manuel Could Make a Quadriplegic Walk
Last season, Rod Barajas joined the Phillies and brought along a career OBP of under .300. In his one season with the Phillies, he put up an OBP of .352, 46 points higher than his career high, while only hitting .230. In 400 years, alien researchers will look at these statistics and then look at each and scream, "What the FUCK?!?" But then they'll realize that Ole' Chuck Manuel was their manager and it was slowly make sense to them and they can figure out more efficient ways to enslave the human race.

Well, Ole' Chuck is at it again, this time with Pedro Happy. Pedro has a career BA of .251 and a career OBP of .288. This season his OBP is right in line with his career mark at .282, but he is doing it with a BA almost 50 points lower than his career average at .203. He is on pace for 54 walks which would absolutely shatter his career high. In fact, if he were to reach 54 walks, that would represent almost 27% of Mr. Happy's career total of walks that he has accumulated in six plus seasons of being a regular. And who is responsible for allowing us to marvel at the physical specimen that is Pedro Feliz trot to first base? Ole' Chuck Manuel, of course.

Positive Point #5 - Cole Hamels
If someone came up to me and yelled, "DID YOU SEE THE PHILLIES GAME TODAY COLE HAMELS SHOT LIGHTNING OUT OF HIS HAND", I would calmly grab both of their shoulders and politely ask them "Was it out of his left hand or right?" If Pat Burrell is the White Jesus, then Cole Hamels the White Jesus that Pitches As Well. And that concept completely blows Ben Stein's Mind.

Positive Point #6 - Phillies Lead the Majors in Home Runs
When I was a young lad attending Phillies games in the best seats at the Vet, people used to get so excited seeing a home run because they were so rare. In fact, we would talk on the car ride to the game how lucky we would be if we got to see, gasp, two home runs hit by the Phillies. When I think about stories like these it reminds me how lucky I was that I was never kidnapped in any of the weird bathrooms or other nooks at the Vet. That place was a creep's heaven with all the dark corners and easy exits. Yikes!

Positive Point #7 - It isn't even May yet
The team is .500. If it weren't for their inept training staff, Jimmy Rollins would probably be playing right now. Howard will eventually start hitting or else I'll have to write him a letter telling him that he is my hero, but he is letting me down and include a picture of me threatening to kill my cat if he doesn't pick it up. I'm not worried. You should not be either.

Walk Hard

I was thumbing through the 2008 Phillies' Media Guide and was intrigued by Pedro Feliz' bio. In response to the question, "What are your three top pet peeves, in no particular order", Pedro listed the following:

• Sushi
• People who don't close closets
• Taking four pitches that are out of the strike zone during an at bat

The first week of the Feliz Era did not exactly make anyone forget Charlie Hayes. Over the course of his first 20 plate appearances (WARNING: WE ARE STILL IN THE LAND OF EXTREMELY SMALL SAMPLE SIZES) and he produced 4 singles and 1 walk. Hopefully Week 2 at leasts sees the debut of Pedro Feliz on second base after a plate appearance.

It is fun to trash Feliz, but as a whole, the Phillies' offense has been pretty putrid outside of Chase Utley and Pat Burrell. This will turn around. The pitching on the other hand......

According to Jayson Stark....

"There are signs that Ryan Howard wants an unprecedented contract - he won't be using Miguel Cabrera as his model. A trade before he reaches free agency (after the 2010 season) seems likely."

My sources tell me he wants to be paid in Euros and blank DVD-Rs. Definitely unprecedented.