Eagles Post-Draft Analysis

Why bother with traditional analysis? As has been done since time immemorial, here are the BSB 92.3% accurate predictions for the newest Eagles'-

Trevor Laws- will be in the starting DT rotation this year. Will have a solid, but unspectacular, career of about 10 seasons. Will die in 2049 of a massive heart attack brought on by over consumption of Neat, a future near-meat food substance.

DeSean Jackson- will be returning kicks from day 1. Will be a decent No. 3 WR by day 1,671, hopefully. Dies in 2087 as a result of 'Bot Rot when his artificially intelligent robotic replacement wrist becomes deranged and forces DeSean to choke himself to death.

Bryan Smith- spends 2 years buried on the DE depth chart, gets 2 career sacks. Dies in 2010 of loneliness. And DragonAIDS (coming August 2010).

Michael McGlynn- starting RG in 2 years, as Shawn Andrews will be at RT by then. Lasts 8 years in the NFL. Dies in 2039 in the Bottled Water Wars.

Quintin Demps- career special teamer and backup safety, but a decent one. Bounces around the NFL for 9 seasons. Dies in 2056 by the hand of his Sexbot, which suffers an S&M chip failure in its safe word matrix.

Jack Ikegwuonu- never plays a down. Ends up in the Arena League. Shot dead in 2018 attempting a home invasion to steal an XBox360, not realizing he totally could have gotten a newer, more powerful XBox660 from the unarmed fella next door.

Michael Gibson- bounces around the league for a few years as a 3rd/4th Guard. Strangely, he is IMMORTAL.

Joe Mays- never plays a down. Come on, he's an ILB and runs a 4.9 40. Dies in 2029 when he tries to run and is so impossibly slow he violates the laws of physics and causes a time-space paradox to occur which blinks him out of existence.

Andrew Studebaker- adds a few pounds, keeps his speed, becomes a decent situational pass rusher. Has a good career cut short by his untimely death in 2013 due to the Hot Pockets Fever epidemic.

King Dunlap- Despite his wonderful Wonderlic score and what surely must be a massive penis, he doesn't even make the team. Dies peacefully in 2040 at home in his giant bed, calling out for Rosebud, a strain of marijuana which unfortunately in 2040 is extinct.