The Only NFL Draft Preview You Need If You Are A Fan of the Philadelphia Friggin Eagles

Here are three interesting facts that very few people know about me:

• My lucky number is a fraction (5/12!!!)
• Though when people discuss scenes from the movie I always nod my head in agreeance, I've never seen Braveheart
• I am an Expert Prognosticator when it comes to the NFL Draft.

Without further ado, behold my 2008 NFL Eagles Draft Preview (for the first three rounds)

Round 1 (Pick 19)
Best Case: Because of rumors of addiction to JuJubes and video games, Glenn Dorsey takes part in a monumental draft slide and is available at Pick 19. After a lot of thought (and Tastykakes), Andy Reid rolls the dice and selects Dorsey. Reid tries to get Dorsey on the phone to congratulate him, but Dorsey is too busy creating a Mii of himself with an Eagles jersey to import into Madden '08.
Worst Case: After wasting their first pick in last year's draft on Kevin Kolb, the Eagles decide that they would like to have a real competition for the backup quarterback position and select Joe Flacco, the QB from U of Delaware. Jay Fielder declines to comment on the pick.
Most Likely Case: Aqib Talib, the corner back from Kansas. The over/under on the time it takes someone to call WIP with the question, "Why did we just pick a terrorist instead of ...." is 7 minutes and 24 seconds after the pick is announced.

Round 2 (Pick 49)
Best Case: After the first round, it becomes much harder to project the draft picks, mainly because of trades and the fact that I haven't heard of any of the guys that are still available. So I think the best case scenario is that they trade this pick and Lito Sheppard to move up in the draft to take someone I've heard of. Like James Hardy.
Worst Case: In an attempt to draft more local players to appease the drunk fans, Reid selects Ray Rice, RB from Rutgers. With Westbrook and Buckhalter already in at the first two spots of the depth chart, Rice will most likely sit most of the season or be converted to a middle linebacker. Great value pick.
Most Likely Case: Duane Brown, offensive tackle from Virgina Tech. Two reasons: Andy Reid loves sitting next to offensive linemen at press conferences to make himself look thinner and 04/16/07 - Never Forget.

Round 3 (Pick 80)
Best Case: This is where the Eagles scouting pays off. With the 80th pick, the Eagles select Raymond Alafoutise, a 6'7 265 pound physical specimen from Harare, Zimbabwe. Though he has never played American Football in his life, Alafoutise can run a 4.2 40 yard dash (in his bare feet), can bench 225 pounds 54 times (ableit 225 pounds in artillery shells), can kick a ball (soccer) over 85 yards. It was Reid's wife who discover Alafoutise from a Mormon Mission brochure on Zimbabwe. It is projected that Alafoutise will play both offense and defense, but will not be given a position. The Eagles staff will just point at players and expect Alafoutise to destroy them.
Worst Case: After losing a golf bet to John Chaney, Reid is forced to pay up and selects Gary Stockman, WR from Temple. Though he has no official stats from his playing days at Temple, Stockman's unique stature (5'6 160 pounds) makes him the smallest non-kicker in the NFL. This could be another Vince Papale story in the making. Or not.
Most Likely Case: Andre Caldwell, wide receiver from Florida. Because Florida receivers have panned out so well in the NFL.

That is it. You are welcome.

Hey, how 'bout them Flyers?

We've been getting a lot of mail, or so I will have you pretend to believe, about our lack of coverage of the Flyers and the playoffs excitement surrounding them. First of all, we specifically apologize to the Flyers in the blog's heading for our lack of coverage of them. IS THAT NOT ENOUGH? For further explanations of why we're not giving them a lot of attention, lookie here-

1. Lack of hockey knowledge. Between Mark and I, we can name a total of about 12 NHL players and the team they play for. This includes Flyers. And the reason we have so little knowledge is...

2. Lack of hockey interest. This was not always the case. Growing up in the suburbs of Philly, we were bombarded daily with Flyers chat and kept up with their goings on. But these days, with Mark living in the hockey dead zone of Chicago and me downtown in Philly where hockey is a distinct No. 4 of the major sports (and soon to be No. 5 when soccer comes), the other 3 sports just get much more of our tireless devotion to grown men playing games for outrageous sums of money.

2A. The Lockout. This was what killed hockey for me. I was already drifting away from it, and then the whole 2004-2005 season was cancelled. When the NHL came back, I realized I hadn't missed hockey all that much, especially since I'd filled the time with a home locksmithing course from ICS. Thank you, Sally Struthers.

3. Coatsey's Corner. Just kidding. Or am I? Actually, the hockey nicknaming convention of just adding a "y" to the end of everyone's last name (or a shortened version of it) is pretty annoying. Mosquito swarms at a BBQ annoying.

I still enjoy going to see live hockey a great deal. And hey, we're enjoying watching the Flyers playoff games and looking at other teams playoff rosters and saying "He's still in the league?" and "Holy shit, I didn't know he was on the Sharks."

Maybe we're bad fans for jumping on the bandwagon at playoff time, but as I always say, it's better to be on the bandwagon than under its wheels having your internal organs crushed into paste.

Let's Look At the Positives

Instead of messing with the Sixers karma, I choose instead to look at the positives of the 2008 Philadelphia Phillies. It is much easier to harp on the negative (which you can find at www.pleasegoaway.farfaraway.ericbruntlett.com) so instead I would like to look at the positive side of the first three weeks of the Phillies' season.

Positive Point #1 - Chase Utley is Superhuman
In a summer that is going to be dominated by Iron Man, Batman, and the Hulk, it is only appropriate that Chase Utley reveal himself as Planet Earth's first real superhero. So far this year, Utley leads the NL in Home Runs, Slugging, OPS, Total Bases, High Fives, Extra Base Hits, Fastest Rope Climb, Batting Wins, At-Bats per Home Runs, and Overall Swellness. Once Chipper Jones does his first stint on the DL (over/under May 11 (Reminder that is Mother's Day (Just wanted to throw in another set of parentheses))), Utley will be the clear cut favorite to win the MVP. At that point, the NL may have to institute a new rule that bans any Phillie from winning the award for the next five years until their core players are out of their peak.

Positive Point #2 - Pat Burrell is the White Jesus
If you look back far enough on the archives here, you will find a post where I advocated getting rid of Burrell because his power had all but disappeared. What you did not know was that I was using reverse psychology, figuring that if I joined the bandwagon of idiots who envied Burrell because of his salary and lifestyle, then Burrell would become a great hitter. And you know what? It gosh darn worked. I'm not sure why Paul Hagen or Jayson Stark haven't called me up with an interview request, but it probably has something to do with the fact that the Philadelphia area isn't ready for this kind of heady story. Or they just don't have my phone number.

Positive Point #3 - The Phillies Bullpen is Unhittable
This is more Jim's point than mine (as well as my imaginary internet friend "airborne"), but I will re-iterate it (or would I just be iterating it since Jim has not made it here?): The Phillies bullpen has been brilliant.

• Brad Lidge: 8.0 IP, 0.00 ERA, 1.25 WHIP, 8 Ks
• JC Romero: 9.2 IP, 0.00 ERA, 1.24 WHIP, 10 Ks
• Rudy Seanez: 7.0 IP, 0.00 ERA, 1.00 WHIP (this will not last if his K:BB ratio stays at 1:2.33)
• Chad "The Real Real Deal" Durbin: 14.0 IP, 0.64 ERA, 1.14 WHIP

These guys have pitched over four total games combined and given up one run. We call that it in the baseball business "good". So while Kyle Kendrick re-negotiates his deal with Satan, these guys are keeping the Phillies in games.

Positive Point #4 - Charlie Manuel Could Make a Quadriplegic Walk
Last season, Rod Barajas joined the Phillies and brought along a career OBP of under .300. In his one season with the Phillies, he put up an OBP of .352, 46 points higher than his career high, while only hitting .230. In 400 years, alien researchers will look at these statistics and then look at each and scream, "What the FUCK?!?" But then they'll realize that Ole' Chuck Manuel was their manager and it was slowly make sense to them and they can figure out more efficient ways to enslave the human race.

Well, Ole' Chuck is at it again, this time with Pedro Happy. Pedro has a career BA of .251 and a career OBP of .288. This season his OBP is right in line with his career mark at .282, but he is doing it with a BA almost 50 points lower than his career average at .203. He is on pace for 54 walks which would absolutely shatter his career high. In fact, if he were to reach 54 walks, that would represent almost 27% of Mr. Happy's career total of walks that he has accumulated in six plus seasons of being a regular. And who is responsible for allowing us to marvel at the physical specimen that is Pedro Feliz trot to first base? Ole' Chuck Manuel, of course.

Positive Point #5 - Cole Hamels
If someone came up to me and yelled, "DID YOU SEE THE PHILLIES GAME TODAY COLE HAMELS SHOT LIGHTNING OUT OF HIS HAND", I would calmly grab both of their shoulders and politely ask them "Was it out of his left hand or right?" If Pat Burrell is the White Jesus, then Cole Hamels the White Jesus that Pitches As Well. And that concept completely blows Ben Stein's Mind.

Positive Point #6 - Phillies Lead the Majors in Home Runs
When I was a young lad attending Phillies games in the best seats at the Vet, people used to get so excited seeing a home run because they were so rare. In fact, we would talk on the car ride to the game how lucky we would be if we got to see, gasp, two home runs hit by the Phillies. When I think about stories like these it reminds me how lucky I was that I was never kidnapped in any of the weird bathrooms or other nooks at the Vet. That place was a creep's heaven with all the dark corners and easy exits. Yikes!

Positive Point #7 - It isn't even May yet
The team is .500. If it weren't for their inept training staff, Jimmy Rollins would probably be playing right now. Howard will eventually start hitting or else I'll have to write him a letter telling him that he is my hero, but he is letting me down and include a picture of me threatening to kill my cat if he doesn't pick it up. I'm not worried. You should not be either.