This is from Dennis Deitch's attempt at an article from the Daily Times. Apparently he is not satisfied with Jack McCaffery being the lead buffoon at the Daily Times.
A glimpse into the future: (A column from the Delaware County Daily Times, April 11, 2018, edition.)
You know what would be nice? Maybe a column for April 11, 2007 that could shed some insight on the current Phillies. But that would require actual work. So let's fill up half of the day's work with a piece of fiction.
NEW YORK -- You could swear that you saw the gray hair sprout from Ryan Howard’s scalp as he sat at his locker. The big first baseman showed that he still has something left in his 38-year-old body Tuesday when he hit homer No. 548 of his impressive career, tying Mike Schmidt for the most in Phillies history.
This would require Howard to average about 47 home runs a year for the next ten year. Obviously there is no one to compare Howard to by age, who had their first full season in MLB at age 26 and hit 58 home runs. But here is the list of players to average 47 home runs over a ten year span: Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa. And to say that they might have had a little help is an understatement. I don't think Mike Schmidt has anything to worry about from Ryan Howard.
Instead, the three-run lead the momentous home run provided Kyle Drabek went up in smoke as the veteran right-hander gave up a seventh-inning, bases-clearing triple to Jose Reyes in the Phillies’ 6-4 loss to the Mets at Google Park.
Get it? Google Park? Comedy and sportswriting. What a combination.
You know what would be nice? Maybe a column for April 11, 2007 that could shed some insight on the current Phillies. But that would require actual work. So let's fill up half of the day's work with a piece of fiction.
NEW YORK -- You could swear that you saw the gray hair sprout from Ryan Howard’s scalp as he sat at his locker. The big first baseman showed that he still has something left in his 38-year-old body Tuesday when he hit homer No. 548 of his impressive career, tying Mike Schmidt for the most in Phillies history.
This would require Howard to average about 47 home runs a year for the next ten year. Obviously there is no one to compare Howard to by age, who had their first full season in MLB at age 26 and hit 58 home runs. But here is the list of players to average 47 home runs over a ten year span: Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa. And to say that they might have had a little help is an understatement. I don't think Mike Schmidt has anything to worry about from Ryan Howard.
Instead, the three-run lead the momentous home run provided Kyle Drabek went up in smoke as the veteran right-hander gave up a seventh-inning, bases-clearing triple to Jose Reyes in the Phillies’ 6-4 loss to the Mets at Google Park.
Get it? Google Park? Comedy and sportswriting. What a combination.
And so, Groundhog Day continues to arrive in April for the Phillies. The loss drops them to 1-6, the ninth time in the last 15 years that they have lost six of seven games to open the baseball season.
Does it matter how they finished in any of those 11 years of the future? Of course not. All that Dennis Deitch apparently cares about are the first seven games of the year.
This could be the final year Howard will be sent through this springtime ringer. He is in the final year of the 10-year, $200 million contract he signed following his second MVP season in 2008. Since then he has won two more MVP trophies, but that matters little when you have won exactly zero postseason games.
So now is where we get to Dennis Deitch predicting that the Phillies will win zero postseason games in the next ten years. IN THE NEXT TEN YEARS. Why is this even in a newspaper, albeit a suburban rag? Has Dennis Deitch discovered time travel? If so, I feel like this might be a bigger story than any Phillies beat articles he writes.
Maybe the Phillies will trade him to an American League team seeking a designated hitter down the stretch; maybe he’ll sign with an A.L. next year; maybe he’ll make a dignified exit and begin his inevitable, minimal, five-year waiting period for Cooperstown.
Still, the impending end of his no-October prison sentence in Philadelphia doesn’t soothe at the moment.
You can see the weight of these fruitless Aprils on Howard. They have weighed on his broad shoulders. No longer does he stand at his locker to go over the details; now he remains in his chair, weary from the repetitive nature that these poor starts have brought to his baseball career.
We have entered into the world of science fiction. The rest of the article is more garbage about things five to ten years into the future.
As Jim just wrote, Philadelphia sports writing is completely terrible. Imagine if a national political writer assigned to the campaign trail wrote an article talking about the country in ten years by just assigning future outcomes to political races. He would probably be fired. But apparently the Daily Times encourages its writers to waste both paper and people's time.
Does it matter how they finished in any of those 11 years of the future? Of course not. All that Dennis Deitch apparently cares about are the first seven games of the year.
This could be the final year Howard will be sent through this springtime ringer. He is in the final year of the 10-year, $200 million contract he signed following his second MVP season in 2008. Since then he has won two more MVP trophies, but that matters little when you have won exactly zero postseason games.
So now is where we get to Dennis Deitch predicting that the Phillies will win zero postseason games in the next ten years. IN THE NEXT TEN YEARS. Why is this even in a newspaper, albeit a suburban rag? Has Dennis Deitch discovered time travel? If so, I feel like this might be a bigger story than any Phillies beat articles he writes.
Maybe the Phillies will trade him to an American League team seeking a designated hitter down the stretch; maybe he’ll sign with an A.L. next year; maybe he’ll make a dignified exit and begin his inevitable, minimal, five-year waiting period for Cooperstown.
Still, the impending end of his no-October prison sentence in Philadelphia doesn’t soothe at the moment.
You can see the weight of these fruitless Aprils on Howard. They have weighed on his broad shoulders. No longer does he stand at his locker to go over the details; now he remains in his chair, weary from the repetitive nature that these poor starts have brought to his baseball career.
We have entered into the world of science fiction. The rest of the article is more garbage about things five to ten years into the future.
As Jim just wrote, Philadelphia sports writing is completely terrible. Imagine if a national political writer assigned to the campaign trail wrote an article talking about the country in ten years by just assigning future outcomes to political races. He would probably be fired. But apparently the Daily Times encourages its writers to waste both paper and people's time.
1 comment:
Ha! This was a funny thing to see pop up when I was Googling myself for an old story ... did I do something cruel to you at some point, little guy? Steal your light sabre? Didn't realize that doing a farcical column about how the Phillies can't seem to stop tripping out of the gate would get someone's panties in such a bunch. Oh well ...
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