Let's Look At the Positives

Instead of messing with the Sixers karma, I choose instead to look at the positives of the 2008 Philadelphia Phillies. It is much easier to harp on the negative (which you can find at www.pleasegoaway.farfaraway.ericbruntlett.com) so instead I would like to look at the positive side of the first three weeks of the Phillies' season.

Positive Point #1 - Chase Utley is Superhuman
In a summer that is going to be dominated by Iron Man, Batman, and the Hulk, it is only appropriate that Chase Utley reveal himself as Planet Earth's first real superhero. So far this year, Utley leads the NL in Home Runs, Slugging, OPS, Total Bases, High Fives, Extra Base Hits, Fastest Rope Climb, Batting Wins, At-Bats per Home Runs, and Overall Swellness. Once Chipper Jones does his first stint on the DL (over/under May 11 (Reminder that is Mother's Day (Just wanted to throw in another set of parentheses))), Utley will be the clear cut favorite to win the MVP. At that point, the NL may have to institute a new rule that bans any Phillie from winning the award for the next five years until their core players are out of their peak.

Positive Point #2 - Pat Burrell is the White Jesus
If you look back far enough on the archives here, you will find a post where I advocated getting rid of Burrell because his power had all but disappeared. What you did not know was that I was using reverse psychology, figuring that if I joined the bandwagon of idiots who envied Burrell because of his salary and lifestyle, then Burrell would become a great hitter. And you know what? It gosh darn worked. I'm not sure why Paul Hagen or Jayson Stark haven't called me up with an interview request, but it probably has something to do with the fact that the Philadelphia area isn't ready for this kind of heady story. Or they just don't have my phone number.

Positive Point #3 - The Phillies Bullpen is Unhittable
This is more Jim's point than mine (as well as my imaginary internet friend "airborne"), but I will re-iterate it (or would I just be iterating it since Jim has not made it here?): The Phillies bullpen has been brilliant.

• Brad Lidge: 8.0 IP, 0.00 ERA, 1.25 WHIP, 8 Ks
• JC Romero: 9.2 IP, 0.00 ERA, 1.24 WHIP, 10 Ks
• Rudy Seanez: 7.0 IP, 0.00 ERA, 1.00 WHIP (this will not last if his K:BB ratio stays at 1:2.33)
• Chad "The Real Real Deal" Durbin: 14.0 IP, 0.64 ERA, 1.14 WHIP

These guys have pitched over four total games combined and given up one run. We call that it in the baseball business "good". So while Kyle Kendrick re-negotiates his deal with Satan, these guys are keeping the Phillies in games.

Positive Point #4 - Charlie Manuel Could Make a Quadriplegic Walk
Last season, Rod Barajas joined the Phillies and brought along a career OBP of under .300. In his one season with the Phillies, he put up an OBP of .352, 46 points higher than his career high, while only hitting .230. In 400 years, alien researchers will look at these statistics and then look at each and scream, "What the FUCK?!?" But then they'll realize that Ole' Chuck Manuel was their manager and it was slowly make sense to them and they can figure out more efficient ways to enslave the human race.

Well, Ole' Chuck is at it again, this time with Pedro Happy. Pedro has a career BA of .251 and a career OBP of .288. This season his OBP is right in line with his career mark at .282, but he is doing it with a BA almost 50 points lower than his career average at .203. He is on pace for 54 walks which would absolutely shatter his career high. In fact, if he were to reach 54 walks, that would represent almost 27% of Mr. Happy's career total of walks that he has accumulated in six plus seasons of being a regular. And who is responsible for allowing us to marvel at the physical specimen that is Pedro Feliz trot to first base? Ole' Chuck Manuel, of course.

Positive Point #5 - Cole Hamels
If someone came up to me and yelled, "DID YOU SEE THE PHILLIES GAME TODAY COLE HAMELS SHOT LIGHTNING OUT OF HIS HAND", I would calmly grab both of their shoulders and politely ask them "Was it out of his left hand or right?" If Pat Burrell is the White Jesus, then Cole Hamels the White Jesus that Pitches As Well. And that concept completely blows Ben Stein's Mind.

Positive Point #6 - Phillies Lead the Majors in Home Runs
When I was a young lad attending Phillies games in the best seats at the Vet, people used to get so excited seeing a home run because they were so rare. In fact, we would talk on the car ride to the game how lucky we would be if we got to see, gasp, two home runs hit by the Phillies. When I think about stories like these it reminds me how lucky I was that I was never kidnapped in any of the weird bathrooms or other nooks at the Vet. That place was a creep's heaven with all the dark corners and easy exits. Yikes!

Positive Point #7 - It isn't even May yet
The team is .500. If it weren't for their inept training staff, Jimmy Rollins would probably be playing right now. Howard will eventually start hitting or else I'll have to write him a letter telling him that he is my hero, but he is letting me down and include a picture of me threatening to kill my cat if he doesn't pick it up. I'm not worried. You should not be either.