Should Donovan McNabb be killed?

(This is a super serious editorial I have written to broaden our appeal to Philadelphia sports fans)

After last night's clear moral victory that strangely still counts as a loss according to the archaic NFL rules, it's plainer than ever that AJ Feeley is, without hyperbole, the best quarterback in Eagles' history. But it seems there is still a question as to whether he will remain the starter this Sunday or if he will be replaced by the listless, decrepit, and Holocaust-denying Donovan McNabb. It is this quarterback controversy which leads us to the true fundamental question the Eagles must face as they head into their showdown with the Seahawks and their final 5 games of the season- should Donovan McNabb be bound and gagged and thrown into an active volcano, or shouldn't he?

As recently as 2004 I would have said "NO. Do not kill Donovan McNabb, even if it is to feed hungry pitbulls who would gladly feast on his innards." But in the bright glow of the radiance of AJ Feeley, I'm not so sure I'm opposed to the concept. On paper, the case can be made that Donovan should be this team's quarterback. He's had an excellent career and they've won a whole lot of games with him at the helm. But on another sheet of paper, I have drawn a picture of Donovan being horribly mangled in the propeller of a large airplane, and it just feels right.

There are other reasons to take McNabb out behind the Linc and put two in his skull as well. For one, he still hasn't won a Super Bowl. AJ Feeley hasn't won one either, but at least he wants to. McNabb probably would rather get injured than win, because that's what he likes to do. Also, McNabb has never won the MVP. AJ Feeley basically sealed his MVP award last night by throwing an equal amount of interceptions and touchdowns, demonstrating that the balance he brings to the Eagles is unparalleled, and that McNabb needs to be assassinated via injection with ricin pellets like Bulgarian dissident Georgi Markov was in 1978.

Is it the end of the world if Number 5 isn't crushed by one of those swinging two-tree thingys like the AT-ST was during the Battle of Endor in Return of the Jedi? Of course not. Even if he returns to being the starter, there is always a chance that AJ Feeley will grant McNabb an audience and then tutor him. And he'll probably end up injured again anyway, since he doesn't play hard and is always getting hurt because of it. But why risk a McNabb return when you can guarantee several years of Feeley (and therefore Super Bowl wins and low unemployment with low inflation)just by inserting an ice pick into the base of his skull? It's the only unselfish choice for the team, and for America.