Monday, April 30, 2007

Report on the Annual NFL Disappointment Selection Process


First off, big thanks to Mark DLV for holding the place together while I was on the disabled list. I would have just written “on the DL” but you can’t do that anymore, thanks to the underground of ultra-closeted gay black men.

The NFL Draft took place this weekend and I didn’t see a minute of it because I was busy moving. This is actually the first time since before I was sexually mature (as if I am now) that I missed the draft. I didn’t miss much- the biggest story to come out of the draft weekend was New England trading for Randy Moss. Not only will the trade make JaMarcus Russell’s life in Oakland a whole lot harder, but it also signals (along with drafting Brandon Meriweather and signing Donte Stallworth) that Bill Belichik is convinced he’s Lee Marvin’s character in The Dirty Dozen.

The Eagles smartly traded out of the first round of what was probably the weakest draft of the century. But what they did with their first second-rounder was a real noodle scratcher. Kevin Kolb is the definition of a mid-major “system quarterback”; a guy whose talents worked well in a wide-open, college-style passing offense against inferior opponents, which means he will therefore have a brief but awful NFL career. Best case scenario is he’s Tim Rattay; worst case, he’s EVERY OTHER QB WHO FITS HIS PROFILE. Actually, there are reasons to have some faith in Kolb; he’s probably not going to be David Klingler or Andre Ware. He had a very high completion percentage this season and started for 4 years at Houston, although only 2 of those seasons were really impressive (freshman and senior years, oddly enough). But drafting him 36th overall was a reach, considering there’s a 95% chance he would have been there still at 57.

As for the rest of the Eagles’ picks, one to really like is LB Stewart Bradley from Nebraska in the third round. Yeah, they’ve gone LB crazy recently, but this is a guy who will be a huge help on special teams and in 2 or 3 years should be competing for a starting job at OLB. Victor Abiamiri, the ND guy they took with their second second-round pick, is a decent looking DE; we’ll see if he’s big and quick enough to be a physical end in the NFL, because he’s probably not fast enough to be a speed rusher (quickness and speed are different, folks). The CB’s they took are good athletes but aren’t very good football players. Tony Hunt is the big RB everyone has been foaming at the mouth for, but may not be able to adjust to the NFL since he won’t be able to run everyone over anymore. I know almost nothing about the other big RB they took, the guy from Hawaii. Also, they took a TE, a position that bores me immensely; don’t ask why.

It seems harsh to rag on these guys who haven’t even played a down of NFL football, but the fact is most of them will be out of the league within 3 years, either because they’ll get their knees mangled or they’ll just suck at playing football. If one of these guys becomes an All-Pro and one becomes a decent starter, that’s a huge triumph. It’s extremely difficult to transition from collegiate-level game speed to NFL game speed; this is no secret. Some guys’ brains and bodies just can’t do it. And you just never know with the NFL Draft; I called this draft extremely weak, but who knows what’ll happen? The seeming randomness of who succeeds in the NFL makes it really, really amazing that Mel Kiper, Jr. has a job.

Five other things about the NFL Draft-

-JaMarcus Russell will have a short and unspectacular career, a la Tim Couch and Akili Smith. He’s going into a bad situation and is not particularly good at playing quarterback. Brady Quinn will make the Pro Bowl the year before Russell is forced out of the league; 2010. The Raiders made an awesome move taking Michael Bush though. And they had so many picks at least 2 of them will pan out.

-What an underwhelming crop of players this was. I saw most of the top-20 picks play a couple times this year and none of them jumped out as a future All-Pro except Amobi Okoye, who is frigging 19 years old, and LaRon Landry, who is damn awesome. I’m sure others will be good, but I don’t see how any of them is going to be great.

-Picks that were very good- Brady Quinn to the Browns at 22, Marshwan Lynch at 12 (if he can stay out of prison) and Paul Posluaznuynzy at 34 to the Bills, Steve Smith to the Giants 51st overall, John Beck to Miami at 40, Antonio Pittman to the Saints at 107, and the intriguing Okoye at 10 to the Texans.

-Crap picks- JaMarcus Russell, Calvin Johnson to the Lions at 2 (I think he’s going to be awesome, but Matt Millen just doesn’t get it), Ted Ginn to Miami at 9, Dwayne Bowe to KC at 23, Robert Meachem to NO at 27, Craig Davis to San Diego at 30, and why the hell do I hate WR’s so much? I blame Freddie Mitchell. The DE Chicago took at the end of rd. 2 was pretty nutty as well.

-Everything I wrote is probably wrong.

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