Elton B is President

To say the Elton Brand signing is exciting is an understatement, like saying Salma Hayek is okay looking or Jesse Jackson is kind of a jackass for wanting to cut off Obama’s nuts. He is easily the best post player here since Charles Barkley (sorry, Sharone Wright) and instantly makes the Sixers one of the top 4 teams in the East.

Obviously, this is all contingent on him being healthy, which several surgeons and holistic healers say he is. If this makes any sense, it’s actually more reassuring that the signing was made under the reign of Ed Stefanski rather than Billy King. First of all, Billy King never would have gotten the deal done because he would have already signed someone like Nenad Kristic or Balki from Perfect Strangers to a max deal. But there is also a reassuring aspect in the fact that Stefanski probably looked very closely at Brand’s health, whereas Billy King had no problems going after players who make a ton of money and only have one good leg. It’s far easier to trust Stefanski’s instincts than BK’s.

So what’s next for the revamped Sixers? Six consecutive titles? Appearances in Scooby Doo cartoons? Maybe, but probably not. Obviously their biggest need is someone who can shoot from more than 8 feet away from the net, and they don’t have a whole lot of money to play with to get someone like that. But moves can be made, and for now let us just thank the ghost of Billy King (what, he’s not dead?) for becoming ever less present in the Sixers front office and enjoy the beginning of a new era for Sixers basketball.

NOTE TO DESTROY THE OPTIMISM OF THIS POST: Elton Brand will probably only play 93 mediocre games as a Sixer before retiring due to injuries.